Slipping into my world

Sometimes you can feel that everything is wrong. Nothing can satisfy your mind when you try to think of what went wrong exactly. This is exactly how i feel most of the time lately. Trapped between my expectations and what people might expect and perceive of me.

As much as i love slipping into my own world, i realize that sometimes i can be careless with people. It is certainly not my intention to befriend people and leave them bewildered. Something must have gone wrong somewhere hence i am taking a step back. Remember that i have a wall - not everyone can step inside the circle around me without me twitching or wincing. That is why confusion is a big thing for me. I dont like to be confused. I would rather know the truth, even if the truth hurts, rather than beat around the bush. It makes things a little less complicated.

Well, missing in action is nothing new to the friends who really know me. They know that sya will be back when you least expect it. As i've written last in my blog, i told ya that i would return to being a homebody and to watch me. So haha, here i am always at home and taking a chill pill from the ever so happening heritage row life for a bit. Not just heritage row actually, from everything and everyone. I need some space to breathe and sort myself out. You know what they say, when aries women is not in a relationship, she will be busy sorting out her life.

i found that i know exactly what i want careerwise but im still in the blur on the matter of the heart. It has always been like that actually. I used to wonder why is it that i cannot fall in love until in 2001 were i fell in love for the first time. The answer that i get is that: only when the right person comes along and when the chemistry is right, maybe i can fall in love and give love in return. Until then, my world is just fine as it is. I am content just to cocoon myself in serenity for now.

An island of isolation

I got exactly what i wanted. A getaway to an unfamiliar place with some unfamiliar people. Thanks to SofiaO :) haha..I forgot that the adventurous part of me is still alive and kicking. I have been trying to thread carefully in life after falling into the ditch a few times.It was liberating as it was somewhat a bit daunting. Well daunting seems to be like a big word right now but cant think of anything else. I was lost between what is real and what is not. I loved it but yeah I kindda miss my friends a bit because I cant be myself fully. All in all I enjoyed myself. I liked it when I dont have to think about anything. Even when I tried to think about something maybe figure out about the things that I left in KL but no..nothing can come into mind on the island :)

Apart from the vicious itchiness of the sand fly bites all over my legs, i can still remember vividly the green fishing boat and pulau rimau. I can even paint it now if i want to. The swing by the beach, the horizon with no trace of the city, it was all tranquility. I was just an observer to everything..Oh yeah i observe every single thing haha..I liked all the people who were with me on the island. I think they all have a great personality. It's a shame that I was being a bit malu like dat to like really get to know them actually. Oh well I guess I will see them around in KL.

OK back to reality, well of course i am somewhat a bit confused like in between of deciding who should i be. My multi faceted personality is sometimes confusing. Like should i lay low or not..should i party on or not..sometimes i feel like being a homebody but some part of me still wants to go out and party. One part of me wants to be demure and somewhat a diva but the other part of me just want to stay crazy. Like i know im putting on weight but i dont care but actually i want to care. Hmm I am always contradicting myself i guess. I am always caught in between of what i should be and what i am actually. Its like i cant be too careful nor can i be too careless.

It's funny that when i decided to stop thinking and worrying about what i do, i seem to block my mind from everything. I cant even let out my poetic emotions anymore. I cant write poetry like i used to. Its like im waiting for an answer.

Haha yeah i can be really deep sometimes but i know people always see me as the chirpy chirpy individual who sometimes can get really garang :)

This is what my blog is for anyway..to let out an ocean of deep thoughts in my mind. yay!