Only time can tell..

When hope melts into despair that is when you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. To have and to hold contradicts with to leave and to let go. I am in two places at one time right this instance. My heart stood still although time passes by so quickly. Addiction to a person is the sweetest drug ever. I am talking in riddles again to conceal my innermost feelings. How do you explain to yourself when you have no commitments but you find yourself committed to one person unintentionally? It is like you contemplate to commit but you have actually already committed yourself but you just don’t realize it. Denial could be the key word but precaution is another word that can justify your denial. Does love have to be official? Does love need any confirmation? Life should move with time. Love should be timeless.

I have the tendency to run way every time I fall in love, which is not a lot as I don’t fall in love that easily. To me love is risky. A risk that I am not willing to take most of the time. I can break planks and stuff but I could never put my heart at risk. My hands can be bruised and broken but my heart cannot be bled. What would you do when like turns to love? Do you say it out loud or do you just keep it inside?

I can say everything and anything to make you run or I can just simply go away. But I am still here with my feet planted firmly where I am, embracing the risks and uncertainties that come with it. I have not put a high expectation on myself for a long time hence the feeling of bliss is still in me. I want to be with you without calculating the time. I am spending time with you because time is not to be wasted.

When life takes an unexpected turn that is where you will be stuck with managing yourself and the people around you. To be pure or to conceal the dramatic life changing situation is a choice that only you can make. Without fail, things always happen for a reason. You will always wonder why did you meet this person and that person at a specific point in time but you can never know why. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am already grateful enough even if you are here for a reason and a season but I hope you are here for a lifetime.

Mystified memories

A friend asked me just now, do I remember this and do remember that? Do I remember this person or that person? Sometimes I am still surprised that people remember me. In fact, I intentionally cut my hair short so that people wont recognize me. Mind you, I was even thinking of changing my face here and there just to be a different person. Haha

I realized that some of my memories are lost in the black. I cant recall some of it and it was completely gone. Well of course there is still some prominent ones which i can remember partially. and of course i can still remember a few selected people that has been etched on my mind for whatever reason. I did a survey as well this morning and it took me about an hour of concentration just to remember things. In the end, I cant even remember what exactly happened last year let alone five years ago.

I do suffer from memory loss which explains why I can be heartless now days. Some of it is intentional. I don’t want to remember and I lost it completely. Some of the timelines are jumbled up. It doesn’t flow correctly because of some of the links are missing. It must be the junks that I took during my heyday. Like they say, it fries the brain real good.

As good as it gets, I do feel empty sometimes. I cant remember exactly who, what , when and why. I do think about it sometimes that I feel the need to write down every single thing that happens in a year be it good or bad. Then I wont have too many questions in my head in the future.

The thing is that, im so good at getting back on my feet because of that loss, I keep doing it over and over again. I just leave whatever behind and I close myself up. I realize there is a drawback to that but I am dependent on it already. I would be so into my world that I leave the real world behind sometimes. I don’t care about anything anymore even though sometimes I have to care. I am becoming a narcissistic-selfish-cynic- egoistic person that some people might view it as arrogance and diva ish.

The actual truth is, infinite sadness is still in my heart but it is just kept in a Pandora’s box. To me life must go on regardless of what happened. I rely on my sunny disposition to protect myself from falling. One good thing about it is that it contributes to the feeling of bliss which I treasure. It’s good to know that I don’t remember things that I don’t want to remember.

I kind of recall last year I tried to open the box but I have thrown the key far away that it is now out of my reach. I wanted to unleash all the dark feelings. I was frustrated sometimes because I couldn’t cry. Even in pain I will laugh. I am becoming the mask that I wear. Although it scares me sometimes, it is better than being towed into a black hole and let myself drown at the bottom of an ocean. The mask is me and this is who I am now. Take it or leave it, its entirely up to you..