Mystified memories

A friend asked me just now, do I remember this and do remember that? Do I remember this person or that person? Sometimes I am still surprised that people remember me. In fact, I intentionally cut my hair short so that people wont recognize me. Mind you, I was even thinking of changing my face here and there just to be a different person. Haha

I realized that some of my memories are lost in the black. I cant recall some of it and it was completely gone. Well of course there is still some prominent ones which i can remember partially. and of course i can still remember a few selected people that has been etched on my mind for whatever reason. I did a survey as well this morning and it took me about an hour of concentration just to remember things. In the end, I cant even remember what exactly happened last year let alone five years ago.

I do suffer from memory loss which explains why I can be heartless now days. Some of it is intentional. I don’t want to remember and I lost it completely. Some of the timelines are jumbled up. It doesn’t flow correctly because of some of the links are missing. It must be the junks that I took during my heyday. Like they say, it fries the brain real good.

As good as it gets, I do feel empty sometimes. I cant remember exactly who, what , when and why. I do think about it sometimes that I feel the need to write down every single thing that happens in a year be it good or bad. Then I wont have too many questions in my head in the future.

The thing is that, im so good at getting back on my feet because of that loss, I keep doing it over and over again. I just leave whatever behind and I close myself up. I realize there is a drawback to that but I am dependent on it already. I would be so into my world that I leave the real world behind sometimes. I don’t care about anything anymore even though sometimes I have to care. I am becoming a narcissistic-selfish-cynic- egoistic person that some people might view it as arrogance and diva ish.

The actual truth is, infinite sadness is still in my heart but it is just kept in a Pandora’s box. To me life must go on regardless of what happened. I rely on my sunny disposition to protect myself from falling. One good thing about it is that it contributes to the feeling of bliss which I treasure. It’s good to know that I don’t remember things that I don’t want to remember.

I kind of recall last year I tried to open the box but I have thrown the key far away that it is now out of my reach. I wanted to unleash all the dark feelings. I was frustrated sometimes because I couldn’t cry. Even in pain I will laugh. I am becoming the mask that I wear. Although it scares me sometimes, it is better than being towed into a black hole and let myself drown at the bottom of an ocean. The mask is me and this is who I am now. Take it or leave it, its entirely up to you..

beautiful boxer

She saw him one day but didnt realize it was really him. At the corner of her eyes, she tried to recognize his face but she was not sure. She saw him again the other day and she thought he was really bloody familiar. Could it be him? She rushed to the front desk, frantically searching for that one name, and, she saw it. A rush of adrenaline ran through her. It was him from the start. It was just that he looked different now with short crop and it looked like he lost a bit of weight as well. He was looking good. Not how she remembered him before. Sort of pudgy and with quite a long wavy hair. More like a brotherly nerdy look. Not like the hip ones. She  thought he was quite short as well. But yes, right in front of her it was really him.

She waited for the next class just to ran into him to be sure. She knew that he could not recognise her. She traded her long locks for a short modern bop. She did a good job in making sure that her hair is severely different so unimportant people would not recognize her so that she would not be bothered to say fake hellos and how are yous. To her advantage, it worked like a charm everytime. She could dodge people easily.

She walked past him unknowingly to him that she is the 'Sasha'. The one that came to his house only once. The one that went out for dinner with him only once. The one that did something with his cousin in his room once. Yes, that sneaky Sasha. What he didnt know was how awkward she felt back then. Well she is still feeling it until now.

She is kind of relieved to know that he cannot recognise her. She is still watching him secretly at the corner of her eyes everytime. Tempted to say hello sometimes just to watch his reactions upon recognising her but she feels that it is better this way.  It would be way too weird after what happened. Besides, she loves her martial arts. She wouldnt want to drag herself and maintain her composure everytime. She wants to train hard and box hard and just be her energetic and passionate self.

She smiles to herself everytime she sees him in class. She knows that he can see her but he couldnt make out who this girl is. I bet you, he would be thinking that she looks familiar too. This has somehow, made her more motivated to attend all the classes, punch a little harder and kick a little stronger just knowing that she is there but he doesnt even know it. >_<

How do you keep a dying heart alive?

I see you the way I see me.
You are like a mirror of what I am now.
I'm carving a memory in you so it would not be forgotten like the lost times.
I want to breathe life in you so you keep breathing and not let your heart die.
People like me and you, we chose to ignore some things in life.
Too much of ignorance will leave some things unspoken and some feelings locked forever.
People like me and you, we wear our mask too long.
We are becoming an actor taking on the stage too often.
People like me and you, we forget things easily and get entangled in our own world.




People like me and you, we do feel lonely but we choose to ignore it.
People like me and you, we could be dying without us ever knowing it.

The cat remains an enigma

It has been a while since i let my mind wander. Far off into the ocean of emptiness I roam in my own world. I refuse to acknowledge any feelings i have but when it comes, its like a huge wave bantering me. Yes my mind is battered and bruised. I seemed to emerge unscathed and unaffected by any events around me. Little did you know that i am burning alive and a walking zombie. A contradiction to what you can see in reality. A picture perfect health and addictive smile and laughter. I am as  expressive as an anime but i fail to project any of my dark feelings. I am holding on to the thoughts that I cant be frowning when the sun is shining bright. I am holding on to my crazy smile and laughter. An excellent mask that seemed to merge well with  the wearer. It cant be taken off anymore and that is what you get for wearing it so long. Who i was before was long gone but who i am now could be something stronger and destructive in silence at the same time due to refusal to admit defeat. Everything is simply shut in a pandora's box.  The stage is mine and when im standing in the middle, i have trouble deciding which side should i stand sometimes. The cat remains an enigma.

Love from my heart

It's funny when you have someone, you would thought that the person will always be with you. No separation and what nots. You will never be left alone. But then everyone has got a life of their own. Im writing this with a tinge of sadness and awaiting for the day that that would happen. I'll be losing her across the ocean. A big part of me will be taken away and i have to start preparing myself to live without her. She is the only one I've got since i was a child.

This is not the first time we were separated though. We grew up together for a bit and then she went to the UK with her family for a couple of years and since i was just a little girl back then, i dont remember much of her except her name and her voice on the tapes that she and her family would sent to us in Malaysia. It was easier back then but now its different. She was more than a sister to me. She is and has always been a part of me. She taught me what family and love means considering that my childhood was not a normal one. The thought of being in a distance with her, unable to communicate freely makes me a bit lost.

I remember the day she came back when i was 12. i vaguely remember her because i remembered her differently in my childhood memories but she was like 'sya, u tak ingat i?' After a few days then only i can recall. Years went by and we went through everything together. From all the naughty things, boys and all, gold coast, london, it was all good memories. We understand each other very well. She knows me more than my mother.

Fourteen years has passed. She got married to an Indonesian. Well, i guess she has to do whatever she has to do. I am happy for her but i know its not easy for me and for her as well. We'll see how it goes next year i guess. Hopefully both of us survives well..

For those who know me, you would know who I am talking about. She is my family but she is more than that in my heart. The only sister in this life that i could ever wanted and have.