How do you keep a dying heart alive?

I see you the way I see me.
You are like a mirror of what I am now.
I'm carving a memory in you so it would not be forgotten like the lost times.
I want to breathe life in you so you keep breathing and not let your heart die.
People like me and you, we chose to ignore some things in life.
Too much of ignorance will leave some things unspoken and some feelings locked forever.
People like me and you, we wear our mask too long.
We are becoming an actor taking on the stage too often.
People like me and you, we forget things easily and get entangled in our own world.




People like me and you, we do feel lonely but we choose to ignore it.
People like me and you, we could be dying without us ever knowing it.

The cat remains an enigma

It has been a while since i let my mind wander. Far off into the ocean of emptiness I roam in my own world. I refuse to acknowledge any feelings i have but when it comes, its like a huge wave bantering me. Yes my mind is battered and bruised. I seemed to emerge unscathed and unaffected by any events around me. Little did you know that i am burning alive and a walking zombie. A contradiction to what you can see in reality. A picture perfect health and addictive smile and laughter. I am as  expressive as an anime but i fail to project any of my dark feelings. I am holding on to the thoughts that I cant be frowning when the sun is shining bright. I am holding on to my crazy smile and laughter. An excellent mask that seemed to merge well with  the wearer. It cant be taken off anymore and that is what you get for wearing it so long. Who i was before was long gone but who i am now could be something stronger and destructive in silence at the same time due to refusal to admit defeat. Everything is simply shut in a pandora's box.  The stage is mine and when im standing in the middle, i have trouble deciding which side should i stand sometimes. The cat remains an enigma.

Love from my heart

It's funny when you have someone, you would thought that the person will always be with you. No separation and what nots. You will never be left alone. But then everyone has got a life of their own. Im writing this with a tinge of sadness and awaiting for the day that that would happen. I'll be losing her across the ocean. A big part of me will be taken away and i have to start preparing myself to live without her. She is the only one I've got since i was a child.

This is not the first time we were separated though. We grew up together for a bit and then she went to the UK with her family for a couple of years and since i was just a little girl back then, i dont remember much of her except her name and her voice on the tapes that she and her family would sent to us in Malaysia. It was easier back then but now its different. She was more than a sister to me. She is and has always been a part of me. She taught me what family and love means considering that my childhood was not a normal one. The thought of being in a distance with her, unable to communicate freely makes me a bit lost.

I remember the day she came back when i was 12. i vaguely remember her because i remembered her differently in my childhood memories but she was like 'sya, u tak ingat i?' After a few days then only i can recall. Years went by and we went through everything together. From all the naughty things, boys and all, gold coast, london, it was all good memories. We understand each other very well. She knows me more than my mother.

Fourteen years has passed. She got married to an Indonesian. Well, i guess she has to do whatever she has to do. I am happy for her but i know its not easy for me and for her as well. We'll see how it goes next year i guess. Hopefully both of us survives well..

For those who know me, you would know who I am talking about. She is my family but she is more than that in my heart. The only sister in this life that i could ever wanted and have.

Dogmatic Nuance

Seething serpents and watchful eyes
I fell under the witches’ guise
My heart is ripped and left to bleed
My soul is plunged into the deep

It feels like I have just survived from a long illness
The pain and suffering went into the deepest
A poison ivy that had been planted
Unknowingly taking its strike

It feels like I just came back from a battle
My body is bruised and battered
From a long and enduring fight
In the darkest night I had survived

I still walk with my head held high
Albeit I hide behind a smile
Seething serpents and watchful eyes
You cannot and will not take away my life

~ rosealia 110707 ~

Karma

Have you ever felt like you've lived this life once before? Something like you saw it already before it actually happen or you are in a situation that made you feel as if you have already experienced it? It's funny because these snapshots keep on giving you a sense of familiarity. Like you've done this before and you've been there before. A de javu that swept just like the wind.

I've been having this de javu thing for quite sometime now. Its like i've lived through this before. Sometimes i just feel so familiar with the  situation that i am in albeit just a snapshot. My senses seems to be telling me that I've seen this before. A photo in my mind from the future. It's like I am seeing what i am suppose to go through in the future. Everything is vivid - the smell, the colour, the place, the people. Its like I am behind the lense of a camera.

I was thinking, maybe sometimes you dreamt about it or maybe it could be purely de javu. As for me, sometimes i dream about  things that is actually happening. When i was in standard six i dreamt of a two white casket with the lids closed in front of me. Everyone around me  - my aunty, uncles and cousins were crying. It was set in my aunty's living room. I didnt undertand it initially. I kept asking people in my dream why are they crying. The next day i heard the news that two of my cousins died in an accident in Wales. On the day of the funeral when the bodies were flown back, i sat exactly on the same spot with the two white casket but then the lids were open and i saw my two cousins in it. Everyone was in the exact same spot, doing the exact same thing, the exact same setting and mood and i felt a sharp stab in the heart that i had seen this in my dreams. It was a painful experience and it was my first funeral.

From then on, yes i dreamt of a few things as well. That is why i prefer not to have any dreams at all because sometimes some of it could be a message. Or a deja vu. Well of course i do have normal non-peculiar dreams which are just nonsense. But then it scares me when i dream of something out of the ordinary.

So, as a conclusion, i dont know if its safe to say that karma really exist? It could be syirik kan? But then maybe my sixth sense is bit more keen compared to most people. Oh but then again maybe everyone has their own sixth sense. Whatever it is, dejavu de impromptu is fascinating. I hope all of you experience it too.

music and lyrics

A song is a music for singing. A music cannot sing itself without lyrics. Lyrics are basically poetry. A poem that hides behind the music.  A song cannot be a song if there is only music without any lyrics. They have to go together hand in hand for a full blown emotional experience. A music entertwined with lyrics is such a beautiful thing. Such powerful emotions it can provoke and evoke.

Musicians and poets convey their thoughts and feelings through words. The only difference between the two is that poets are raw and biting while musicians hide the words behind the melody. I am passionate with poetry as i am passionate with music. Poetry is a voice on itself and music is a voice behind the melody.

Music and lyrics is a powerful thing that should not be taken lightly. Everything has a meaning even though it is used for entertaining. And yes, i am writing this with the movie at the back of my mind. Even though its quite a sappy sort of movie, i think there is still some truth in it albeit not all of it.

Thought provoking silence

I woke up this morning realising a lot of things. Most people would say life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you gonna get. But when i think about it again, life is like a jigsaw puzzle. You have to find the perfect fit to get the big picture. And this is like a thousand pieces of jigsaw puzzle.You scramble around to find the perfect shape. Sometimes you got the wrong fit but with the same background. It will take you a lifetime to complete the picture. Some people even gave up finding the pieces and the picture is never completed. You toss and turn the pieces, piece it up where it fits. You solve the puzzle one by one. There you go, another good description of life. You piece up all your memories and that is the story of your life. The picture will not be complete until you achieve whatever you think you can achieve in life. So think about it and tell me your view :)

ANother thing that struck my mind is how we always say that we cant handle the fake ones? well, from my observation, sometimes you just have to fake it to go with the flow or if you try to be genuine then they would think that you are not up to par with them? Would you say that someone is fake just because they dont act like you or they dont have the same thinking as you? Or to think from another angle, in order to be friends with you, they try to follow your way to see if it's okay with them and they ended up being fake in your eyes.Conniving even. Yes we meet all these people everyday but at the end of the day, you should know who your real friends are. Real friends dont judge you by what you do or whatever commotion you get yourself into. And from personal experiences, yes i have blocked out people who genuinely tried to be friends with me and yes i have got some people who brushed me off when i genuinely tried to be friends with them. Hmm..i wonder why. Could it be that we dont go on the same wave length? or share the same kind of jokes? or even on the same sort of thinking? Well, if you think that someone is faking it, maybe you could be faking it too with other people. We all fall under false pretenses sometimes. Dont you think?

Slipping into my world

Sometimes you can feel that everything is wrong. Nothing can satisfy your mind when you try to think of what went wrong exactly. This is exactly how i feel most of the time lately. Trapped between my expectations and what people might expect and perceive of me.

As much as i love slipping into my own world, i realize that sometimes i can be careless with people. It is certainly not my intention to befriend people and leave them bewildered. Something must have gone wrong somewhere hence i am taking a step back. Remember that i have a wall - not everyone can step inside the circle around me without me twitching or wincing. That is why confusion is a big thing for me. I dont like to be confused. I would rather know the truth, even if the truth hurts, rather than beat around the bush. It makes things a little less complicated.

Well, missing in action is nothing new to the friends who really know me. They know that sya will be back when you least expect it. As i've written last in my blog, i told ya that i would return to being a homebody and to watch me. So haha, here i am always at home and taking a chill pill from the ever so happening heritage row life for a bit. Not just heritage row actually, from everything and everyone. I need some space to breathe and sort myself out. You know what they say, when aries women is not in a relationship, she will be busy sorting out her life.

i found that i know exactly what i want careerwise but im still in the blur on the matter of the heart. It has always been like that actually. I used to wonder why is it that i cannot fall in love until in 2001 were i fell in love for the first time. The answer that i get is that: only when the right person comes along and when the chemistry is right, maybe i can fall in love and give love in return. Until then, my world is just fine as it is. I am content just to cocoon myself in serenity for now.

An island of isolation

I got exactly what i wanted. A getaway to an unfamiliar place with some unfamiliar people. Thanks to SofiaO :) haha..I forgot that the adventurous part of me is still alive and kicking. I have been trying to thread carefully in life after falling into the ditch a few times.It was liberating as it was somewhat a bit daunting. Well daunting seems to be like a big word right now but cant think of anything else. I was lost between what is real and what is not. I loved it but yeah I kindda miss my friends a bit because I cant be myself fully. All in all I enjoyed myself. I liked it when I dont have to think about anything. Even when I tried to think about something maybe figure out about the things that I left in KL but no..nothing can come into mind on the island :)

Apart from the vicious itchiness of the sand fly bites all over my legs, i can still remember vividly the green fishing boat and pulau rimau. I can even paint it now if i want to. The swing by the beach, the horizon with no trace of the city, it was all tranquility. I was just an observer to everything..Oh yeah i observe every single thing haha..I liked all the people who were with me on the island. I think they all have a great personality. It's a shame that I was being a bit malu like dat to like really get to know them actually. Oh well I guess I will see them around in KL.

OK back to reality, well of course i am somewhat a bit confused like in between of deciding who should i be. My multi faceted personality is sometimes confusing. Like should i lay low or not..should i party on or not..sometimes i feel like being a homebody but some part of me still wants to go out and party. One part of me wants to be demure and somewhat a diva but the other part of me just want to stay crazy. Like i know im putting on weight but i dont care but actually i want to care. Hmm I am always contradicting myself i guess. I am always caught in between of what i should be and what i am actually. Its like i cant be too careful nor can i be too careless.

It's funny that when i decided to stop thinking and worrying about what i do, i seem to block my mind from everything. I cant even let out my poetic emotions anymore. I cant write poetry like i used to. Its like im waiting for an answer.

Haha yeah i can be really deep sometimes but i know people always see me as the chirpy chirpy individual who sometimes can get really garang :)

This is what my blog is for anyway..to let out an ocean of deep thoughts in my mind. yay!

Crazy Beautiful

It was like seeing it all over again in a dream,

The same infatuation swept over me like a gentle breeze,

A hazy de javu clouded my mind as I was unable to control myself,

Such familiarity sink down deeper to the bottom of the sea

because I know i can only watch from afar,

I dare not step into the water

although I've dipped my toes in it unintentionally,

Its like watching the beginning of a notebook that has been written,

i am merely re-writing it again.

The same spot at the same place,

What I have seen only made me smile,

That moment in time I have no regrets,

Although i barely know him

it took only a few seconds to leave a lasting image.

Crazy beautiful.

That is how i see him but only from a distance.