This tweet post literally sums up my last blog post

Dont judge the book by its cover

I have been meaning to write about this issue a long time ago. It seems that Malays particularly, focus only on appearance and not a kind heart as whole. Appearance notoriety is at its best in Malaysia especially among the Malay community. Nobody actually cares for a kind heart. No compassion, no sensitivity, no unity.

All these are clearly seen in the recent accidents involving our MAS. Comments such as from stewardess not wearing headscarf and serving alcohol in flight to not reciting doa for all before take off (especially for MH370). Why do you need to call it bala? For all you know these people who died in these freak accidents all mati syahid. They are one level above you in the afterlife already you know.

Worst of all appearance is only one branch of it, there are other branches like be humble, be kind toward human and animals, be helpful, be aware of ppls feelings, be good to your neighbours, be respectful your spouse and family and berdakwah secara baik not mengutuk sesuka hati.

What I meant to say is, there are spiritual obligations AND worldly obligations. You cannot just be spiritually pious and you think its okay to have a temper, to kill animals for no reason and not respecting other ppl.

You have to strive for BOTH. BOTH. BOTH.

Everybody is so busy looking after appearances that they forget islam teaches everything as a whole. If you wear a headscarf or kopiah but you talk bad about people, you always belittle people and you kick cats and kill dogs, that does not embody what islam teach at all. It doesn’t mean you are baik if you wear tudung only for appearance but you leave all other teachings out just because you think you’ve covered your head. Case study Kiki Kamaruddin. How bad is her akhlak? But she covered her head so its okay. Bleaghhhhhhhh NOT

If you don’t cover your head then you are a slut and you are free thinker and you know nothing about islam. Even though those who do not wear the headscarf has more compassion than you lot. A kind heart does not give a meaning because your appearance does not conform to it. How plain stupid is that?

And then you pray five times a day, you memorise some of verses in quran, you feel that you are holier than thou when what you do is succumb to your temper , mistreated your spouse and feel that people who don’t do what you do is lower than you hence you will masuk syurga. Again, Islam teaches that it is not just praying and relationship with god, but human relationship is equally important as well. Your sins with Allah is one thing but your sins with human being is another thing. Allah will not forgive your sins with others because you need to seek forgiveness from the others not Allah for your wrongdoings to them.

As a muslim we should look back at our heart. Make sure it is whole and clean. That is the ultimate measure of how honestly pious you are rather than concentrating on appearance only.

Only kind hearted ppl will go to Jannah actually not ppl who strive on appearance to look good in front of others.

It's a catty life ^____^

Hellloooooo my blog i've missed you !

It has been nearly a year since my last entry. Things have changed a lot. Obviously haha. We strive to be better day by day. That is how we should live our life anyway.

My anger has dissipated (well, most of it). I took a chance to adopt a cat in October last year. Poor little thing was left to die in front of standard charted building near my office. She is now almost a year old already now and im so proud of her for surviving well albeit her constant coughing daily due to a punctured lung as a result of being attacked by a bigger cat. Her name is Anyau because that's what i called her initially. Fyi, i call any cat anyau in general. Just got stuck to her but then she has her other nickname like kahuna or kakak huna. Kakak huna because i adopted another 2 kitties after her! Now i have three cute kitties to take care of! ^_____^

As crazy (stupid?) as it sounds, i realise that i am not allergic to cats per se but because dusts caught in their fur and shedding collects dust, etc. DUST is the main culprit. And so i have to do extra cleaning like vacuuming or sweeping and mopping every 2-3 days....take antihistamine nearly on a daily basis...sigh... things that i do for my cats -____-"

The second one is a british short hair silver tabby named Olaf. It is a birthday present from ze husband seeing how happy I am living with a cat. Olaf also has his nicknames like Lafu, Abang Lafu, Lapu lapi and pu pi. See how the name evolves! haha :p Olaf is about 5 months old now and he is so cute like a teddy bear! ^_____^

Now the third one i just found her recently near the goldhill building open car park. She was wandering by herself looking for food and was looking kindda lonely and scared. I've named her Lola initially but changed it to Lulu as per my friend Nora's request because she is going to help me take care of Lulu. I wanted to put her up for adoption, but then again she is such a well mannered cat. I can even bring her to travel in a car without any hassle provided that she gets to sit on the lap all the way. No sound no agitation she will just gaze at me, play with my fingers and then eventually fall asleep....zzzZZZzzzzzz =^ ^=

Its a catty day everyone! How cute are they! :)

Cats have always been my first love and forever love :)

Miss Independent miss-understood

**This entry is dated 19 August 2013**

“There’s a place that i know. It’s not pretty but a few have ever gone. If i show it to you now would it make you run away or will you stay? Even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? And remind me who i really am. Everybody’s got a dark side..”

Initially i wanted to lash out loud emotionally but since i am a working professional, i shall not delve into my personal life history should there be a search on my background by potential employers in the future. So this is version 2 which is ‘milder’ than version 1 I initially wrote.

Everybody’s got a dark side. Now i need you to remind me who i really am even if i try to push you out. I need someone like that. Nobody can ever understand why my mind cannot comprehend or tolerate any emotional pressure or attack. Nobody will ever understand why i am such an angry person. See i have a dark side darker than you. It keeps pulling me in and i will always try to get out. I can tolerate any physical pressure or attack but i will go berserk with emotional attack.

I was Cinderella.

Three hell holes and here I am. Over these years, how i wish i can change my face or erase my mind like the sunshine of a spotless mind. I prefer mystified memories rather than walking down memory lane.

That is why the cat remains an enigma , writing is a struggle against silence and i  often slip into my own world to an island of isolation when hope melts into despair at times.

Now tell me how deep my scar is?

Welcome to my dark side.

My stress was already at level 10 before you could even accept a NO answer from your parents to buy toys or something. Anyone can say try and be happy, pray a lot and remember god  and let go of the past but HELLOOO DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS EASY AS A,B,C??!! My prayers have kept me from getting crazy or doing anything crazy like suicidal crazy because it is haram in Islam to take own’s life kan. At least my faith in god is enough to remind me not to kill myself, people.

Now let me tell you that my biggest achievement so far is getting out of depression, stopping inflicting pain to myself  AND fighting lupus.

I don't hurt  myself per se anymore now nor do i wear any mask. I am not saying what i have now is not enough. I always believed in silver lining and i have a silver lining now. But the demon from the past still lives on. The anger is still haunting me. Not that i want it to live on BUT it is HAUNTING. And if anyone provoke or try to push me emotionally, the rage will just lash out.

It doesn't help that i have lupus. It makes me more angry because i am always tired when its active. Steroid side effect was extremely pronounced as well. Life is definitely not easy for me.

And so now i thought hard..........

Hard enough that I think i may need to see a shrink. No matter how i try to ignore it and be happy like anyone would expect, it will still be there.

Ignorance and denial will not bring anyone anywhere.

I always end my rants with a positive note but i am still bitter with life. Until now.

Melodrama

In all this life that we have, little do we realise that it can all change in a second. Something new can start or something profound can just end. The memories you have, some of it may have been forgotten. Painful memories are often hard to forget and will always linger deep within. Pain is what people remember most rather than fond memories.

Soul threads from the heart connect you with others. See, i believe in soul thread. The more significant the person is the stronger the connection and the number of soul threads connected. We can choose to cut all of the thread to totally disconnect from that person. Or we can choose to only cut some and probably leave one or two connected. It is a degree of separation that you can choose to have, in spirit. To separate the mind and the heart is two different thing. You can choose to erase it from your mind but to detach the heart, one must cut off the threads.

I have cut some strings and all of it depending on the degree of pain these people have inflicted upon me. However, one or two still remains as part of me. That when I see them, they can feel the connection to me as well. Not as strong as before as most of it has been cut off but still there is still some left hanging. There are probably one or two people who have been out of touch but still in touch through memories. They feel it too whenever they see me.

Those people who i have cut off all of the strings would be significantly out of my life or memories. That when i see them, i virtually see nothing. The memories have been deleted including past feelings, fond memories or how we started or met. They feel the detachment too whenever they see me.

Since we wouldn't know how our lives will be in the future, there is probably a reason for this detachment and attachment. Our lives will always be intertwined with someone whether you realise it or not..