catNIP!

My latest findings of human behaviour last weekend were rather an amusing one. Is that even the correct word? Amusing? Well rather, I find it quite exasperating. For instance, I know of this girl who created a lot of commotion around her life that people took a step back from her. Apart from that she does not have anything against the world.

Being the diplomatic ol' me, I am friends with everyone. I do not discriminate people based on what people tell me of what the person did to them but then again the people who tells me this must also be worthy and credible. Most of the time, those people who talks about people have their own issue anyway.

Again, if you are my friend you should know that I prefer to stay away from gossiping about anyone. I will just be like yeah yeah or oh ye ke and thats it, I refuse to comment any further. Mind you yeah if you get on my bad side I will continuously ramble on you like nobody's business. My sarcasm will be at the upmost level.

Back to the weekend findings. And so people were looking at me and questioning me on why was I out with this particular person? For one, I dont care about what people say about this person or any other person that i am friends with unless these people get on my bad side. Number two, why do i need to follow the crowd and stick to the limit that they set in order for you to be accepted in "their" circle. Number three, I will continue to be friends with whomever as long as they dont step on my toes. Number four, all of you who were scowling and questioning are mostly acquaintances and konon nye in the right circle. Geez man wake up.

Oh and another thing, why did i get the scowling as well from these acquaintances again?? I am definitely not the person's soldier and I have like what, ten sets of friends apart from the person and the friends i have hang out with these acquaintances as well. Again i remind you I am taking a one women stand.

Do not stereotype me and view me as the army that march with one sound. Dude, can you not be so oblivious to the world. I am just happy to be friends with any one at all so if you have issues with one another you better leave me out of it.

Woohoo!

Its been a while since i jot something in here..well, looking back at all my writings I suppose many things have changed in my life. I am what they call a very super friendly girl but for everyone who knows me really well they would know that the friendliness is only on the outside. Inside I am the Queen of Ice. You are good enough if you can get near me and and you are far more better if I can hold your hand. Like my brother was saying, I have this circle that i build around me.Sort of like a protective wall. Not everyone can step inside that circle without me wincing or twitching an eye or just being agitated. And true enough if anyone tries to approach me they can feel the wall in front of me. Well yeah of course Im a happy go lucky whatever person but its not really easy for me to let people in. This scenario that i have just described may only apply to guys i suppose. No problems with girls except that i dont have that many girlfriends and the ones i have now are all gems and diamonds. Meaning that they are good friends and they mean a lot to me.

Looking back as well, i could not believe how positive i can be especially when i talked about my ex boyfriend. haha. Yes am still hurt hence the super friendly phase. But then again, am not just flirting with everyone. Unfortunately, i always fall for complicated guys. Haha again. Well thats life i guess. You live and you learn. Learning to forgive someone is far more difficult than you can imagine.

Finally, before i close the curtain I have to say that life has been good since the "break up". I secured a new job. Landed where i wanted to be. Took up new challenges. Part time castings and auditions going well hence learning a lot more.Pretty occupied with friends and family.Sometimes i dont even have enough time to allocate to everyone. I love being alone sometimes. Im finding new hobby to do. Well its about time i go through the list of the things that I want to do in life anyway.

A good friend of mine said to me last weekend : yeah you look happy on the outside but i know you are feeling as if there is something missing in you. Maybe she is right because she knows me so well. But hey, a girl need to survive in this world right..All in all, life is about survival and i am merely doing everything to survive. Be it whether i have to wear a mask or not. You be the judge whether I am masking it or not..

save me

I miss the house in london where i found my solace away from home. And now it is not ours anymore. I can still smell the morning breeze when waking up, especially in the summer. I love my peachy room even if it was small. I always feel like I am where I should be everytime I was in the house. When i was depressed the house kept me company. I can just stay in it even if i had to be alone. Even if i just stayed in the room to drown my sorrow, had really bad hangovers, bad fused temper and an unbelievable amount of crying over a broken heart. I loved it and i miss it now because it has been my salvation. And now i dont have anywhere to go to...and i am sad. It felt so good the last time i went there before it is gone.

Well my house here is fine but i cant find solace in it. I dont know how to face the people who live with me. I dont want them to be worried or sad when there is something wrong with me. I feel lonely when there is no one in the house but i cant cry out loud for them not to go anywhere even if i feel depressed. My salvation is gone. I am left to deal with my emotions and end up wearing a mask that is starting to tear me apart....

Bitterness

I used to have this idea in my head when i was little that a knight in shining armour will come and rescue me from this distressed world. In fact, i think most of the girls would dream that they are a princess waiting to be rescued like rapunzel. I am really a cinderella if u really know what happened to me with my stepmom. As i grew up, i realized that i dont need a knight to save me, i am the one who can save myself. There was no one there when my stepmom pushed me down the stairs. There was no one there when i had to struggle within myself as i did not even recognize my mom because my dad took me away from her. These thoughts still lingers sometimes but all in the past has been forgiven, no problem with that. Just that i am left bitter sometimes with myself and my world. Guess that explains why im so garang sometimes and my short fused temper. haha.

Bitterness with the world, bitterness with oneself. Sometimes im just plain bitter. I have written hundreds of poems and hundreds of dark thoughts. My idols are all fictional characters like lara croft, elektra and aeon flux. They just shut themselves from the world. Live in their own thoughts and world. Powerful in their own way but powerless to stop the world. Have their own ultimate goal but once they reach it, they have nothing left and nothing to lose. i once trained myself to be heartless, letting no one else in. End up that i just hurt the people around me. That is why i dont understand love. How it opens our heart and our innermost feelings until its visible in our face. We want to cry out loud 'save me'. But who is going to save us except ourselves. Im just writing this today because i felt bitter. Its just better to shut down from the world than having all these powerful emotions that sometimes makes us go crazy.But then again, everything happens for a reason. It makes us learn.

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

>
> People come into your life for a reason, a season or a
>lifetime.
>When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
>person.
>When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a
>need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a
>difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you
>physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
>godsend and
>they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
>Then,
>without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
>this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
>end.
>Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act
>up and force you to take a stand.
> What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
>desire
>fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been
>answered and now it is time to move on.
> Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your
>turn has
>come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace
>or
>make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
> They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it,
>it is real.
>But only for a season
>
> LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you
>must
>build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job
>is to
>accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned
>to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is
>said that love
>is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
> Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a
>reason, a season or are a lifetime.