Pudar tanpa dia

Hari hari ku sepi tanpa dia

Meskipun tidak lagi ternanti nanti

Kata kata ku berselirat penuh makna

Fikiranku penuh dengan luahan

Masih terpalit rasa rindu

Masih terlihat igauan

Perlukah aku bertanya

Mengapa bertemu untuk berpisah?

Dalam senyuman ada samar kesepian

Masih bersinar meski warna kian pudar

Bukan kesedihan yang hendak digambarkan

Bukan kelukaan yang hendak disampaikan

Tetapi satu perasaan yang perlu disimpan

Kerana waktu dan jarak tidak berjalan seiringan

Contrary niceties

And then there is this girl who likes to delve into the sea of emotions and intuitions. Her thoughts flow straight to her fingers effortlessly. She stands by the notion that writing is a struggle against silence. She understands perfectly the power of words. Even a simple act of offering a kind word can have the power to change lives in positive and profound ways. Her dreams tell her to wake up and see the truth behind the rose tinted glasses. A déjà vu that sweeps just like the wind.

She met a boy once who is everything that she is and has a positive effect on her. But he is far across the ocean, across the sea and on the other side of the world. She wonders why he is still on her mind and why she just cannot shake it off. It is sticking like a cobweb in her head. She hates this part right here. Anata to no kyori ga tooku naru hodoni.

And about this girl, she has a humongous personality and very adventurous. An absolute Aries with a dash of Taurus, sprinkled with crazyness, a bubbly personality and sometimes bi-polar. Add some little miss giggle and a boyish persona. Voila! A perfect description of her in a cupcake. Oh and she absolutely loves to eat and wears her heart on her sleeves.

Her life is full with friends and family. There is never a day that she ever felt like she is ever alone. And wherever she goes, there will always be one good friend by her side. A beautiful gift from God, she must agree. A friend to guide her through and learn life lessons together.

Her passion lies in writing, martial arts and squash. She does kickboxing, plays the drum, loves cats, learnt Japanese, likes to go to the batting cage and absolutely loves the sun, the sand and the sea. She is also a double jointed freak and can bend her thumb upside down. She loves music and she loves singing. She is the kind of person who wants to do everything in the world. Her next mission is to take up diving. Her next travel mission is to visit all the temples in Asia starting with Angkor Wat next year. To her, life should be full and should always move with time. Love however would always remain timeless.

At the present moment as we speak, she lights her coloured cigarette (it's the yellow one today and the pink one was yesterday) and ponders upon her thoughts and her actions. She is always waiting and waiting. Only time will tell, she is thinking. As she sat on the stairs puffing her cigarette like she always does every day, she stares into the blank spaces.

Her mind is running but she is numb. She is not unhappy but she is not entirely happy. Neither is she depressed nor down. She cannot be bothered to recall her mystified memories. She is just as blank as a white canvass. It is like she is living in an auto pilot mode every day. Every morning, every night, every day, every hour and every second matters to her. She realizes that she is not the same person as she was before. In an entirely good way, though. Usually it was just easy to shut down from the world and put on her half mask of life.

Armed with a pocket full of sunshine and a sunny disposition, she decided to face the world head on. She wants to live her life with integrity now. Not because of somebody or anybody but because she believes that God would only present the situation in life to a person because He knows that the person is strong enough to go through it. She also understands the power of the mind. The secret of life as she unfolds is that your thoughts and feelings create your reality. She has learnt to smile in adversity.

A contrary niceties is what she is writing today.

Bicara hati

Aku tidak bermaksud untuk memiliki biar pun hati telah berkata sesuatu. Mungkinkah aku seorang yang terlalu polos and telus maka tidak mampu menutupi sesuatu di luar jangkaan. Kebenaran itu ada tetapi mungkinkah aku sekadar memuji. Mungkinkah aku sekadar cuba bertarik tali? Keinginan untuk memiliki adalah jauh sekali kerana waktu dan jarak tidak berjalan seiringan. Aku menangkis setiap harapan dan menjalani hari ku dengan bersahaja meski pun ada igauan.

Ya kadangkala aku juga bingung. Antara pemikiran dan perasaan. Antara fantasi dan realiti. Sama ada apa yang aku rasakan dan apa yang aku lakukan adalah benar buat masa sekarang.

Dan kadangkala aku lagi bingung. Memikirkan diri yang senang sahaja rapuh dan jatuh ke dalam ruang permasalahan. Adakah aku seorang yang terlalu mengikut hati dan selalu berkata tanpa berfikir? Apakah aku terlalu di penuhi kehidupan maka setiap detik aku hargai dan aku terus sahaja berkata dan melakukan apa sahaja yang aku ingin katakan dan lakukan?

Ya aku sedang berkata-kata. Tetapi aku tahu tidak akan ada seorang pun yang faham setiap luahan ku di sini. Aku sememangnya senang berbicara di dalam teka teki kerana hatiku terlalu lurus dan perlu dilindungi.

Aku adalah seorang yang tidak akan pernah terbiasa menipu diri sendiri. Segala yang di rasa akan di terima tanpa banyak soal, tanpa banyak tanya. Mungkin tuhan sedang mengajar aku erti bersabar dan ikhlas menerima segala dugaan.

totemo koishiku omou desu...

And then there is this boy who has a similarity to me. In fact too many similarities it's like unbelievably crazy haha. At this moment of my life, I feel happy and content in the midst of adversity. God is great and almighty. He showed me that my believe is true. Everything happens for a reason . I am thankful that the break up happened. If not, i wouldnt have met this person who reminds me of me and how beautiful life should be. That i should never lose myself in adversity. That i am who i am no matter what happens. My passion in life should keep me alive.

I've only met him recently and we hang out for like 2 weeks. More like a week towards the end actually that we really hang out. He left to london to further his studies. It's amazing what can happen in just that short span of time. Something wonderful that can never be explained. I like to see his face and hear his voice. I am grateful to god for showing me him. Even though we get to see each other only for a short time this time. Im sure God has planned this and im sure there is always a reason behind it. Even though we are just friends, im just glad i met him. Everytime i think of him i'll turn to my passion - kickboxing, jogging, squash. He has a positive effect on me.

Oh about him, he is an Aries. He does muay thai, running, badminton. Martial art enthusiast. Likes anime especially studio ghibli's. Loves cats. Learns japanese. Has this thing about living in Japan. Took diving of which i have yet to take up mine. Double jointed can bend his thumb of which i can do too. Plays the drum, well used to. Likes to go to the batting cage. Outdoor stuff and beaches. Most of all, he likes to do and try anything and everything under the sun! Oh he's also hyped up to visit all these temples of which i am so going to next year.

If you know me, then you would know why he is soo similar to me it's crazy! :) you will be like 'omigod he is like the man version of you and you are the girl version of him haha!'

Ah well, i miss him so so much... :(

anata to no kyori ga tooku naru hodoni.
watashiwa anohito ga totemo koishiku omou desu.
iitai koto wakarudeshio?

Truth to be told..

I am writing this in the pages of my blog so that truth prevails itself should anything happen. I am a devout believer in the power of love. How it can move the world and breathe into life. However, my mind still wanders into the morbid side of it. The love that can give life can also kill you. There are always two sides of the same coin.

Although my head swoons with love, my heart rejects it every time. The inability to accept the fact that love is there makes my heart heavy with the intensity that I feel like leaving it and running away. Yes I am a walking contradiction. My biggest fear is falling in love.

I cast a spell on myself. I set an invisible wall around me. Remember the circle I was talking about? Yes. I realize that this can be a never ending cycle. As I sat staring at the ceiling and locked in my room, I started to think. Life doesn’t stop for me. Not just yet. Although I am feeling a wee bit pessimistic, I refuse to sink into the black hole. I stood up and I started writing everything that I want to write. The power of me lies in my word and my story. I will never ever stop writing.

He who came broke all the barriers without breaking an entry. He who came out of nowhere actually never leaves my memory. I am just shocked with the intense and deep emotions that I am feeling. A declaration has been made and I have admitted my biggest fear in life. With the admittance, I am accepting love as it is. I am embracing all the uncertainties and risks that come with it. I live by the notion that if it is meant to be then it is meant to be and if it is not then God must have other plans for me. I may wait or I may go.

Here I am embracing love for another. One of life’s greatest challenges after finding happiness with oneself. Acceptance and hope is the key to everything. As of other things in life, I don’t have that high of expectation just yet. Embracing what life has to offer is not easy but I am brave enough to do this now. Everything happens for a reason and I will keep on living my journey in life. I will not hide nor will I run.

Only time can tell..

When hope melts into despair that is when you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. To have and to hold contradicts with to leave and to let go. I am in two places at one time right this instance. My heart stood still although time passes by so quickly. Addiction to a person is the sweetest drug ever. I am talking in riddles again to conceal my innermost feelings. How do you explain to yourself when you have no commitments but you find yourself committed to one person unintentionally? It is like you contemplate to commit but you have actually already committed yourself but you just don’t realize it. Denial could be the key word but precaution is another word that can justify your denial. Does love have to be official? Does love need any confirmation? Life should move with time. Love should be timeless.

I have the tendency to run way every time I fall in love, which is not a lot as I don’t fall in love that easily. To me love is risky. A risk that I am not willing to take most of the time. I can break planks and stuff but I could never put my heart at risk. My hands can be bruised and broken but my heart cannot be bled. What would you do when like turns to love? Do you say it out loud or do you just keep it inside?

I can say everything and anything to make you run or I can just simply go away. But I am still here with my feet planted firmly where I am, embracing the risks and uncertainties that come with it. I have not put a high expectation on myself for a long time hence the feeling of bliss is still in me. I want to be with you without calculating the time. I am spending time with you because time is not to be wasted.

When life takes an unexpected turn that is where you will be stuck with managing yourself and the people around you. To be pure or to conceal the dramatic life changing situation is a choice that only you can make. Without fail, things always happen for a reason. You will always wonder why did you meet this person and that person at a specific point in time but you can never know why. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am already grateful enough even if you are here for a reason and a season but I hope you are here for a lifetime.

Mystified memories

A friend asked me just now, do I remember this and do remember that? Do I remember this person or that person? Sometimes I am still surprised that people remember me. In fact, I intentionally cut my hair short so that people wont recognize me. Mind you, I was even thinking of changing my face here and there just to be a different person. Haha

I realized that some of my memories are lost in the black. I cant recall some of it and it was completely gone. Well of course there is still some prominent ones which i can remember partially. and of course i can still remember a few selected people that has been etched on my mind for whatever reason. I did a survey as well this morning and it took me about an hour of concentration just to remember things. In the end, I cant even remember what exactly happened last year let alone five years ago.

I do suffer from memory loss which explains why I can be heartless now days. Some of it is intentional. I don’t want to remember and I lost it completely. Some of the timelines are jumbled up. It doesn’t flow correctly because of some of the links are missing. It must be the junks that I took during my heyday. Like they say, it fries the brain real good.

As good as it gets, I do feel empty sometimes. I cant remember exactly who, what , when and why. I do think about it sometimes that I feel the need to write down every single thing that happens in a year be it good or bad. Then I wont have too many questions in my head in the future.

The thing is that, im so good at getting back on my feet because of that loss, I keep doing it over and over again. I just leave whatever behind and I close myself up. I realize there is a drawback to that but I am dependent on it already. I would be so into my world that I leave the real world behind sometimes. I don’t care about anything anymore even though sometimes I have to care. I am becoming a narcissistic-selfish-cynic- egoistic person that some people might view it as arrogance and diva ish.

The actual truth is, infinite sadness is still in my heart but it is just kept in a Pandora’s box. To me life must go on regardless of what happened. I rely on my sunny disposition to protect myself from falling. One good thing about it is that it contributes to the feeling of bliss which I treasure. It’s good to know that I don’t remember things that I don’t want to remember.

I kind of recall last year I tried to open the box but I have thrown the key far away that it is now out of my reach. I wanted to unleash all the dark feelings. I was frustrated sometimes because I couldn’t cry. Even in pain I will laugh. I am becoming the mask that I wear. Although it scares me sometimes, it is better than being towed into a black hole and let myself drown at the bottom of an ocean. The mask is me and this is who I am now. Take it or leave it, its entirely up to you..

beautiful boxer

She saw him one day but didnt realize it was really him. At the corner of her eyes, she tried to recognize his face but she was not sure. She saw him again the other day and she thought he was really bloody familiar. Could it be him? She rushed to the front desk, frantically searching for that one name, and, she saw it. A rush of adrenaline ran through her. It was him from the start. It was just that he looked different now with short crop and it looked like he lost a bit of weight as well. He was looking good. Not how she remembered him before. Sort of pudgy and with quite a long wavy hair. More like a brotherly nerdy look. Not like the hip ones. She  thought he was quite short as well. But yes, right in front of her it was really him.

She waited for the next class just to ran into him to be sure. She knew that he could not recognise her. She traded her long locks for a short modern bop. She did a good job in making sure that her hair is severely different so unimportant people would not recognize her so that she would not be bothered to say fake hellos and how are yous. To her advantage, it worked like a charm everytime. She could dodge people easily.

She walked past him unknowingly to him that she is the 'Sasha'. The one that came to his house only once. The one that went out for dinner with him only once. The one that did something with his cousin in his room once. Yes, that sneaky Sasha. What he didnt know was how awkward she felt back then. Well she is still feeling it until now.

She is kind of relieved to know that he cannot recognise her. She is still watching him secretly at the corner of her eyes everytime. Tempted to say hello sometimes just to watch his reactions upon recognising her but she feels that it is better this way.  It would be way too weird after what happened. Besides, she loves her martial arts. She wouldnt want to drag herself and maintain her composure everytime. She wants to train hard and box hard and just be her energetic and passionate self.

She smiles to herself everytime she sees him in class. She knows that he can see her but he couldnt make out who this girl is. I bet you, he would be thinking that she looks familiar too. This has somehow, made her more motivated to attend all the classes, punch a little harder and kick a little stronger just knowing that she is there but he doesnt even know it. >_<