An island of isolation

I got exactly what i wanted. A getaway to an unfamiliar place with some unfamiliar people. Thanks to SofiaO :) haha..I forgot that the adventurous part of me is still alive and kicking. I have been trying to thread carefully in life after falling into the ditch a few times.It was liberating as it was somewhat a bit daunting. Well daunting seems to be like a big word right now but cant think of anything else. I was lost between what is real and what is not. I loved it but yeah I kindda miss my friends a bit because I cant be myself fully. All in all I enjoyed myself. I liked it when I dont have to think about anything. Even when I tried to think about something maybe figure out about the things that I left in KL but no..nothing can come into mind on the island :)

Apart from the vicious itchiness of the sand fly bites all over my legs, i can still remember vividly the green fishing boat and pulau rimau. I can even paint it now if i want to. The swing by the beach, the horizon with no trace of the city, it was all tranquility. I was just an observer to everything..Oh yeah i observe every single thing haha..I liked all the people who were with me on the island. I think they all have a great personality. It's a shame that I was being a bit malu like dat to like really get to know them actually. Oh well I guess I will see them around in KL.

OK back to reality, well of course i am somewhat a bit confused like in between of deciding who should i be. My multi faceted personality is sometimes confusing. Like should i lay low or not..should i party on or not..sometimes i feel like being a homebody but some part of me still wants to go out and party. One part of me wants to be demure and somewhat a diva but the other part of me just want to stay crazy. Like i know im putting on weight but i dont care but actually i want to care. Hmm I am always contradicting myself i guess. I am always caught in between of what i should be and what i am actually. Its like i cant be too careful nor can i be too careless.

It's funny that when i decided to stop thinking and worrying about what i do, i seem to block my mind from everything. I cant even let out my poetic emotions anymore. I cant write poetry like i used to. Its like im waiting for an answer.

Haha yeah i can be really deep sometimes but i know people always see me as the chirpy chirpy individual who sometimes can get really garang :)

This is what my blog is for anyway..to let out an ocean of deep thoughts in my mind. yay!

Crazy Beautiful

It was like seeing it all over again in a dream,

The same infatuation swept over me like a gentle breeze,

A hazy de javu clouded my mind as I was unable to control myself,

Such familiarity sink down deeper to the bottom of the sea

because I know i can only watch from afar,

I dare not step into the water

although I've dipped my toes in it unintentionally,

Its like watching the beginning of a notebook that has been written,

i am merely re-writing it again.

The same spot at the same place,

What I have seen only made me smile,

That moment in time I have no regrets,

Although i barely know him

it took only a few seconds to leave a lasting image.

Crazy beautiful.

That is how i see him but only from a distance.

catNIP!

My latest findings of human behaviour last weekend were rather an amusing one. Is that even the correct word? Amusing? Well rather, I find it quite exasperating. For instance, I know of this girl who created a lot of commotion around her life that people took a step back from her. Apart from that she does not have anything against the world.

Being the diplomatic ol' me, I am friends with everyone. I do not discriminate people based on what people tell me of what the person did to them but then again the people who tells me this must also be worthy and credible. Most of the time, those people who talks about people have their own issue anyway.

Again, if you are my friend you should know that I prefer to stay away from gossiping about anyone. I will just be like yeah yeah or oh ye ke and thats it, I refuse to comment any further. Mind you yeah if you get on my bad side I will continuously ramble on you like nobody's business. My sarcasm will be at the upmost level.

Back to the weekend findings. And so people were looking at me and questioning me on why was I out with this particular person? For one, I dont care about what people say about this person or any other person that i am friends with unless these people get on my bad side. Number two, why do i need to follow the crowd and stick to the limit that they set in order for you to be accepted in "their" circle. Number three, I will continue to be friends with whomever as long as they dont step on my toes. Number four, all of you who were scowling and questioning are mostly acquaintances and konon nye in the right circle. Geez man wake up.

Oh and another thing, why did i get the scowling as well from these acquaintances again?? I am definitely not the person's soldier and I have like what, ten sets of friends apart from the person and the friends i have hang out with these acquaintances as well. Again i remind you I am taking a one women stand.

Do not stereotype me and view me as the army that march with one sound. Dude, can you not be so oblivious to the world. I am just happy to be friends with any one at all so if you have issues with one another you better leave me out of it.

Woohoo!

Its been a while since i jot something in here..well, looking back at all my writings I suppose many things have changed in my life. I am what they call a very super friendly girl but for everyone who knows me really well they would know that the friendliness is only on the outside. Inside I am the Queen of Ice. You are good enough if you can get near me and and you are far more better if I can hold your hand. Like my brother was saying, I have this circle that i build around me.Sort of like a protective wall. Not everyone can step inside that circle without me wincing or twitching an eye or just being agitated. And true enough if anyone tries to approach me they can feel the wall in front of me. Well yeah of course Im a happy go lucky whatever person but its not really easy for me to let people in. This scenario that i have just described may only apply to guys i suppose. No problems with girls except that i dont have that many girlfriends and the ones i have now are all gems and diamonds. Meaning that they are good friends and they mean a lot to me.

Looking back as well, i could not believe how positive i can be especially when i talked about my ex boyfriend. haha. Yes am still hurt hence the super friendly phase. But then again, am not just flirting with everyone. Unfortunately, i always fall for complicated guys. Haha again. Well thats life i guess. You live and you learn. Learning to forgive someone is far more difficult than you can imagine.

Finally, before i close the curtain I have to say that life has been good since the "break up". I secured a new job. Landed where i wanted to be. Took up new challenges. Part time castings and auditions going well hence learning a lot more.Pretty occupied with friends and family.Sometimes i dont even have enough time to allocate to everyone. I love being alone sometimes. Im finding new hobby to do. Well its about time i go through the list of the things that I want to do in life anyway.

A good friend of mine said to me last weekend : yeah you look happy on the outside but i know you are feeling as if there is something missing in you. Maybe she is right because she knows me so well. But hey, a girl need to survive in this world right..All in all, life is about survival and i am merely doing everything to survive. Be it whether i have to wear a mask or not. You be the judge whether I am masking it or not..

save me

I miss the house in london where i found my solace away from home. And now it is not ours anymore. I can still smell the morning breeze when waking up, especially in the summer. I love my peachy room even if it was small. I always feel like I am where I should be everytime I was in the house. When i was depressed the house kept me company. I can just stay in it even if i had to be alone. Even if i just stayed in the room to drown my sorrow, had really bad hangovers, bad fused temper and an unbelievable amount of crying over a broken heart. I loved it and i miss it now because it has been my salvation. And now i dont have anywhere to go to...and i am sad. It felt so good the last time i went there before it is gone.

Well my house here is fine but i cant find solace in it. I dont know how to face the people who live with me. I dont want them to be worried or sad when there is something wrong with me. I feel lonely when there is no one in the house but i cant cry out loud for them not to go anywhere even if i feel depressed. My salvation is gone. I am left to deal with my emotions and end up wearing a mask that is starting to tear me apart....