save me

I miss the house in london where i found my solace away from home. And now it is not ours anymore. I can still smell the morning breeze when waking up, especially in the summer. I love my peachy room even if it was small. I always feel like I am where I should be everytime I was in the house. When i was depressed the house kept me company. I can just stay in it even if i had to be alone. Even if i just stayed in the room to drown my sorrow, had really bad hangovers, bad fused temper and an unbelievable amount of crying over a broken heart. I loved it and i miss it now because it has been my salvation. And now i dont have anywhere to go to...and i am sad. It felt so good the last time i went there before it is gone.

Well my house here is fine but i cant find solace in it. I dont know how to face the people who live with me. I dont want them to be worried or sad when there is something wrong with me. I feel lonely when there is no one in the house but i cant cry out loud for them not to go anywhere even if i feel depressed. My salvation is gone. I am left to deal with my emotions and end up wearing a mask that is starting to tear me apart....

Bitterness

I used to have this idea in my head when i was little that a knight in shining armour will come and rescue me from this distressed world. In fact, i think most of the girls would dream that they are a princess waiting to be rescued like rapunzel. I am really a cinderella if u really know what happened to me with my stepmom. As i grew up, i realized that i dont need a knight to save me, i am the one who can save myself. There was no one there when my stepmom pushed me down the stairs. There was no one there when i had to struggle within myself as i did not even recognize my mom because my dad took me away from her. These thoughts still lingers sometimes but all in the past has been forgiven, no problem with that. Just that i am left bitter sometimes with myself and my world. Guess that explains why im so garang sometimes and my short fused temper. haha.

Bitterness with the world, bitterness with oneself. Sometimes im just plain bitter. I have written hundreds of poems and hundreds of dark thoughts. My idols are all fictional characters like lara croft, elektra and aeon flux. They just shut themselves from the world. Live in their own thoughts and world. Powerful in their own way but powerless to stop the world. Have their own ultimate goal but once they reach it, they have nothing left and nothing to lose. i once trained myself to be heartless, letting no one else in. End up that i just hurt the people around me. That is why i dont understand love. How it opens our heart and our innermost feelings until its visible in our face. We want to cry out loud 'save me'. But who is going to save us except ourselves. Im just writing this today because i felt bitter. Its just better to shut down from the world than having all these powerful emotions that sometimes makes us go crazy.But then again, everything happens for a reason. It makes us learn.

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

>
> People come into your life for a reason, a season or a
>lifetime.
>When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
>person.
>When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a
>need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a
>difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you
>physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
>godsend and
>they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
>Then,
>without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
>this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
>end.
>Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act
>up and force you to take a stand.
> What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
>desire
>fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been
>answered and now it is time to move on.
> Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your
>turn has
>come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace
>or
>make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
> They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it,
>it is real.
>But only for a season
>
> LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you
>must
>build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job
>is to
>accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned
>to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is
>said that love
>is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
> Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a
>reason, a season or are a lifetime.

the final piece to a dramatic puzzle

A random person presented to me, surprisingly, quite an accurate assesment of the situation i am facing right now.  The final piece somehow always falls neatly into the puzzle to reveal the big picture. Yes, initially i felt numb as truth unveil itself and i am still wondering why i didnt see it coming. im am definitely not prepared for it and why was i so blind. And true enough it was followed by destructive emotions and i am still trying to gain control and accept reality. Heartbreaking isnt it?

I went through this myself and i thank God because i am back on my feet again. It took a while for me to figure out what was happening but i finally understood. And when i saw him that day looking lost and confused, i see me. That was me before and it breaks my heart to see him like this.

Living in oblivion, we fail to see the bigger picture. But the question remains on what would you do if someone you love slips away from himself? Should you leave or should you stay? Although these questions keep playing in my head, I know how big a love can be. I pledged to stay and gave him my words that i will be here through thick or thin, through rain or shine and through his weakest and strongest. I just hope I am strong enough to go through this. 

Each and everyone of us has our weakest point in life. To succumb to it is very sad. We must remember that when we fall, life does not wait for us. It keeps on going and you are going to be left behind. Learn from it, keep a positive mind. Remind yourselves of the ones you love and note that they too feel the pain seeing you like this even if they dont show it. Its allright to cry once in while and be sad about things. Keep in my mind that whatever challenges that God gave us is not something that we cant handle. I am concern with my frens and my love at this time. I hope my spirit to live inspires all of you. After all, im just human too. With hell of a lot of emotions!heheh :)

The Notebook

I think i have just gone through the most colourful phase of my life. A hectic six months full of trials and tribulations. I have learnt a lot although i was forced to grow up in a snap. I was forced to face life when all i did before was just run and avoiding to choose anything. Its just amazing how life and fate can take a twist. Surprises that i have encountered, i never thought that I would come this far. Apart from the sadness that envelope my heart, i have taken the step to forgive my dad and to take every responsibility that i was supposed to take.

Heartbroken as i would be all hopes are lost and broken. A love so deep is kept deep within and sworn to never surface again. I managed to stand on my own two feet without the help of anyone but only with praying to God. In the midst of all that, I met a person who in my eyes is a good judge of character although sometimes he made some faulty readings as well. When he smiles, i like to see that creases near his eyes and that funny expression he has when he laughs out loud. Surprising enough with my heart as cold as stone he managed to warm it a bit. Unfortunately, complications came in and I was left more confused than ever. The duality of everything came into play but i kept my prayer and my wishes the same.

One phone call came the other night and suddenly the world took a turn to where it was before. Before i knew it things were back to where i have left it. I question myself whether to pick up the pieces again and after hearing what my love has to say on the subject of truth putting aside his ego, I know that God has answered my prayer. It was him who still visits me, calling me in my dreams though i am prepared to deny it and throw it all away because i was deeply hurt.

I don't know where my life will be heading right at this moment but although i have moved on half way, i believe in giving everything a second chance. I don't think i will gain anything if i hold on to my ego and push everything away. The person I have met was wonderful and still is my friend. I thank him for sharing his view of the world which makes me think outside my world. I am the colour of white flying in the sky soaring high. Another important thing is that I found friends who has their own individual character of which i love to see and hang out with. If i had pushed everthing away, I wouldn't have known these wonderful people.

Living in oblivion, sometimes you don't get to see the bigger picture. Everything in life has its beauty. Though I know sometimes you can get twisted and confused, i believe that there is always a silver lining behind every dark clouds. As everything happens for a reason, I believe in serendipity too. At this stage of life, i put down half of the mask i wear.