Miss Independent miss-understood

**This entry is dated 19 August 2013**

“There’s a place that i know. It’s not pretty but a few have ever gone. If i show it to you now would it make you run away or will you stay? Even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? And remind me who i really am. Everybody’s got a dark side..”

Initially i wanted to lash out loud emotionally but since i am a working professional, i shall not delve into my personal life history should there be a search on my background by potential employers in the future. So this is version 2 which is ‘milder’ than version 1 I initially wrote.

Everybody’s got a dark side. Now i need you to remind me who i really am even if i try to push you out. I need someone like that. Nobody can ever understand why my mind cannot comprehend or tolerate any emotional pressure or attack. Nobody will ever understand why i am such an angry person. See i have a dark side darker than you. It keeps pulling me in and i will always try to get out. I can tolerate any physical pressure or attack but i will go berserk with emotional attack.

I was Cinderella.

Three hell holes and here I am. Over these years, how i wish i can change my face or erase my mind like the sunshine of a spotless mind. I prefer mystified memories rather than walking down memory lane.

That is why the cat remains an enigma , writing is a struggle against silence and i  often slip into my own world to an island of isolation when hope melts into despair at times.

Now tell me how deep my scar is?

Welcome to my dark side.

My stress was already at level 10 before you could even accept a NO answer from your parents to buy toys or something. Anyone can say try and be happy, pray a lot and remember god  and let go of the past but HELLOOO DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS EASY AS A,B,C??!! My prayers have kept me from getting crazy or doing anything crazy like suicidal crazy because it is haram in Islam to take own’s life kan. At least my faith in god is enough to remind me not to kill myself, people.

Now let me tell you that my biggest achievement so far is getting out of depression, stopping inflicting pain to myself  AND fighting lupus.

I don't hurt  myself per se anymore now nor do i wear any mask. I am not saying what i have now is not enough. I always believed in silver lining and i have a silver lining now. But the demon from the past still lives on. The anger is still haunting me. Not that i want it to live on BUT it is HAUNTING. And if anyone provoke or try to push me emotionally, the rage will just lash out.

It doesn't help that i have lupus. It makes me more angry because i am always tired when its active. Steroid side effect was extremely pronounced as well. Life is definitely not easy for me.

And so now i thought hard..........

Hard enough that I think i may need to see a shrink. No matter how i try to ignore it and be happy like anyone would expect, it will still be there.

Ignorance and denial will not bring anyone anywhere.

I always end my rants with a positive note but i am still bitter with life. Until now.