Miss Independent miss-understood

**This entry is dated 19 August 2013**

“There’s a place that i know. It’s not pretty but a few have ever gone. If i show it to you now would it make you run away or will you stay? Even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? And remind me who i really am. Everybody’s got a dark side..”

Initially i wanted to lash out loud emotionally but since i am a working professional, i shall not delve into my personal life history should there be a search on my background by potential employers in the future. So this is version 2 which is ‘milder’ than version 1 I initially wrote.

Everybody’s got a dark side. Now i need you to remind me who i really am even if i try to push you out. I need someone like that. Nobody can ever understand why my mind cannot comprehend or tolerate any emotional pressure or attack. Nobody will ever understand why i am such an angry person. See i have a dark side darker than you. It keeps pulling me in and i will always try to get out. I can tolerate any physical pressure or attack but i will go berserk with emotional attack.

I was Cinderella.

Three hell holes and here I am. Over these years, how i wish i can change my face or erase my mind like the sunshine of a spotless mind. I prefer mystified memories rather than walking down memory lane.

That is why the cat remains an enigma , writing is a struggle against silence and i  often slip into my own world to an island of isolation when hope melts into despair at times.

Now tell me how deep my scar is?

Welcome to my dark side.

My stress was already at level 10 before you could even accept a NO answer from your parents to buy toys or something. Anyone can say try and be happy, pray a lot and remember god  and let go of the past but HELLOOO DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS EASY AS A,B,C??!! My prayers have kept me from getting crazy or doing anything crazy like suicidal crazy because it is haram in Islam to take own’s life kan. At least my faith in god is enough to remind me not to kill myself, people.

Now let me tell you that my biggest achievement so far is getting out of depression, stopping inflicting pain to myself  AND fighting lupus.

I don't hurt  myself per se anymore now nor do i wear any mask. I am not saying what i have now is not enough. I always believed in silver lining and i have a silver lining now. But the demon from the past still lives on. The anger is still haunting me. Not that i want it to live on BUT it is HAUNTING. And if anyone provoke or try to push me emotionally, the rage will just lash out.

It doesn't help that i have lupus. It makes me more angry because i am always tired when its active. Steroid side effect was extremely pronounced as well. Life is definitely not easy for me.

And so now i thought hard..........

Hard enough that I think i may need to see a shrink. No matter how i try to ignore it and be happy like anyone would expect, it will still be there.

Ignorance and denial will not bring anyone anywhere.

I always end my rants with a positive note but i am still bitter with life. Until now.

Melodrama

In all this life that we have, little do we realise that it can all change in a second. Something new can start or something profound can just end. The memories you have, some of it may have been forgotten. Painful memories are often hard to forget and will always linger deep within. Pain is what people remember most rather than fond memories.

Soul threads from the heart connect you with others. See, i believe in soul thread. The more significant the person is the stronger the connection and the number of soul threads connected. We can choose to cut all of the thread to totally disconnect from that person. Or we can choose to only cut some and probably leave one or two connected. It is a degree of separation that you can choose to have, in spirit. To separate the mind and the heart is two different thing. You can choose to erase it from your mind but to detach the heart, one must cut off the threads.

I have cut some strings and all of it depending on the degree of pain these people have inflicted upon me. However, one or two still remains as part of me. That when I see them, they can feel the connection to me as well. Not as strong as before as most of it has been cut off but still there is still some left hanging. There are probably one or two people who have been out of touch but still in touch through memories. They feel it too whenever they see me.

Those people who i have cut off all of the strings would be significantly out of my life or memories. That when i see them, i virtually see nothing. The memories have been deleted including past feelings, fond memories or how we started or met. They feel the detachment too whenever they see me.

Since we wouldn't know how our lives will be in the future, there is probably a reason for this detachment and attachment. Our lives will always be intertwined with someone whether you realise it or not..

RAMADHAN KAREEM

This blog is inspired by some recent tweets, fb posts and whatsapp messages from family and friends and I too feel strongly about this so here goes..

"Dear Family and Friends, know the days of this world are short and days of the hereafter are longer. No matter how much the person does of the good deeds in this life, he/she will benefit from it in the hereafter which has no end."

Ramadhan is the month to seek blessings, goodness, obedience, learnings and teachings of Islam. Most importantly, Ramadhan is a month to achieve piety.

It is not about food or buka puasa at all instead it is more about humility, controlling desires and connecting to God.  The intention is to be sincere, grateful, controlling anger, bad thoughts and words in order to achieve the ultimate goal – piety.

In spiritual terminology, piety is a virtue that can mean religious devotion, spirituality, or a combination of both.

In a google search, piety is defined as follows:

“Noun 1.   1.The quality of being religious or reverent. 2.   2. The quality of being dutiful.”

Ramadhan entails fasting.  As a dutiful Muslims, we are required to fast for the whole month. Now what is fasting? Wikipedia says:

“Fasting is primarily an act of willing abstention from all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. An absolute fast is normally defined as abstinence from all food and liquid for a defined period, usually a single day (24 hours), or several days. Other fasts may be only partially restrictive, limiting particular foods or substance. The fast may also be intermittent in nature. Fasting practices may preclude sexual intercourse and other activities as well as food.”

Now, the true definition for fasting in Islam is abstinence from all, food, drink and sensuous activity. Basically nothing can pass through the body cavities including ear and nose. We don’t do intermitten fasting during Ramadhan nor do we fast for the whole day (24 hours).  Our body can still function properly and it gives our digestive system a rest. Women is forbidden to fast when they have their period and the number of days lost can be replaced post Ramadhan at anytime. Also, people who are unable to fast due to sickness or need to breastfeed will also be given a leeway from fasting but will need to replace it post Ramadhan as well.

As a Muslim, fasting is a choice you make despite your fridge and cabinets are full of food. You choose not to eat out of sincerity and faith to God.

We should all be reminded that the month of Ramadhan should not be reduced to a “food festival”. In fact, we should eat less and not be wasteful. This is when we should delve into the lives of fakir miskin. That some less unfortunate people only get two meals a day, if they are lucky, and they really have to withstand their hunger. For those people, This IS their daily lives whereas we, only have to fast for a month.

An aunt who volunteers through Pertiwi saw that many unfortunate people lined up for a meal be it young or old, regardless sick or weak, it is still worth it to queue for a meal. A meal my friend T__T

Imagine how we feel when someone who is not fasting eating in front of us lavishly while we are fasting. Imagine how those people feel when we eat lavishly and flaunting in front of them in all the 11 months in a year.

Hence, let us immerse ourselves in the true spirit of Ramadhan. Fasting is a break from 11 months of worldly selfish pursuits, a chance to cleanse one’s heart. It just doesn’t make sense to fast all day but only to break fast with a table full of food and eat till you drop. One, this will put a pressure on our digestive system and two, this eat till you drop thing just beats the whole concept of fasting. Our body and soul should be detoxifying the whole of this month not otherwise. We should feel cleansed. We should eat less and feed the needy – the orphans, the Bangladesh, the Indonesian workers, the homeless and the refugees. This is particularly magnified during Ramadhan but feeding the needy should be a constant act all year round.

May you have a blessed Ramadhan and may Allah grant us all full barakah. 

Selamat berpuasa.

where should i blog??

I am still indecisive whether to stay in blogger or move to wordpress...The thing is i can access wordpress from the office but then i have always been blogging here since like forever. I kinda like my new template now after changing it soo many  times. Oh well, i'll probably blog on both depending on my mood hahah :p

The thing is, my poetic justice is long gone. Swallowed by the busyness of life. My thoughts are shredded with daily chores for self and home. No time for daydreaming of words. I miss those days where i would have some thoughts and words floating through my mind. Endless time of memorising lyrics. Ideas will be streaming in every now and then. 

In terms of work i have been quite lucky though. So far i have a transaction to close every year since i started working in the investment banking industry. Alhamdulillah. My progress has been good but i still have to strive hard for the SC license. Which is a requirement. I should've waited for it when i was in RHB Invest where i was exempted from taking the exam but nooo i had to go to KFH. Thinking that i would be in the islamic banking side the rest of my life, i forgot completely about the license. And now i have to sit for the bloody tough exam "-_____-"

In terms of health, it has been improving tremendously since last year. I am reverting back to my old weight. I currently weigh about 53-54 kg. Trying to get down to 50-51kg still. I have included habbatus sawda, virgin coconut oil and green juice as part of my supplement daily. I am able to bend my left leg now however i still cannot do duduk antara dua sujud because my thigh and knee still feels tight. Think i still have to see the doctor for that. 

Now, i loooove my green juice! Actually its not juice la its like a blended greens..heheh

My normal ingredients would be:

1) Green apple
2) cucumber / zuccini
3) celery (its a must!)
4) lime and/or lemon
5) a bit of ginger
6) spinach or kailan or whatever green leaves i can find
7) fresh turmeric (not all the time depending on my mood or tummy. Turmeric is really good to quell tummy discomfort actually). 

I drink it every morning and it feels so refreshing. You'll get acquinted to the taste after some time, trust me. If i am pressed for time i will have GNC's powdered green juice. The taste is really yucky (imagine wheatgrass, kelp and spinach smelling powder +__+) so i normally add a bit of ribena to it. Nothing beats freshly blended or juiced greens though.

Alright, thats enough update for today. Hopefully i will continue to blog regularly from now on..hehe

Ciao ^__^

After a long hiatus.....

The cat is back again..! Well i am just so lazy to blog these days because:

1) I cant access my blogger.com account from office. The IT set some restrictions so i am always logging out whenever i want to enter the page -___-

2) I have been pretty busy executing deal and thankfully issuance is today yay :D

3) I cant be bothered to edit my old blog posts imported from blogger.com manually in wordpress. Its an eyesore but i think i just have to live with it. Not gonna spend hours editing it na ah  +__+

4) I have been adamant on losing weight and maintaining it. Most of my free time (which i dont have a lot) is usually dedicated to Jillian Michaels exercise videos. I love her workouts. My body feels stronger with her 3-2-1 circuit training method. 3 minutes strength 2 minutes cardio and 1 minute abs.

Here are 3 of my favourite:

5) Also, been fasting at least twice a week to ganti puasa and also trying to do the 2 day fasting method of consuming only 500 cal per day for two days. So far i have only succeeded in consuming 700 cal a day the lowest. Dont think i can do 500 cal a day lah. Die..

So all in all i've ganti puasa in total 9 days. I have about 34 days left to ganti as i have not been diligently ganti-ing my puasa for the past 7 years. Heh.. The fidyah i have to pay is getting higher every year so after the next ramadhan, i will continue with my 2 days a week of puasa.

Further updates, i have been ill - affected by the horrible horrible haze last week. Damn dusty smoke smelling haze. Even visibility was extremely poor and no sunlight! Must remind self to buy a box of masks during normal days to keep for hazy days. If not mask would just simply sold out or sold at the double the price.

Lalala

Ok it has been a while since i last blog but boy do i have a hard time deciding what template to use on blogger and wordpress...!! -__-"

However i am currently at home healing from painful sore throat and ear infection. A horrible combo i must say..

haha ;D

This is just soooo me! I would totally do that! muahahahah :p

HAPPY NEW YEAARRR :)

It's a brand new 2013 and my blog is supposed to be alive a few weeks ago but because my office does not allow me to view the blogger page then i can only blog at home..or probably set up the blog by email thingy..new things to learn considering my last blog was like ages ago.

So as i am writing this i am at home on MC with the worst stomach pain ever. Its like diarrhea pain that continues on on and when you go to the loo there is literally nothing coming out. Well doc says its probably 'salah makan' yesterday but hell it hurts so bad. Got a painkiller jab and the pain only subsides like 5 hours after that T_T

So happy new year everyone! New year new start new everything. To recap, i was on and off sick in 2012. The last 3 weeks before new year i was hospitalised because i was having on and off fever for 2 weeks complete with dizzyness headache and nausea all.. No im not pregnant (Yeah i got married) , i was just sick. My left leg that had the blood clot is still not healing properly. Still getting the eodema and tiredness. Now trying on a new drug -NSAIDs called Cataflam. Hopefully this will settle my condition.

Oh and the last post about the joint pain - it was actually a blood clot! Deep vein thrombosis (DVT). The one that you can get if you don't move your leg in the plane, etc. Yeah that one. Painful as hell and admitted to the hospital for that. Was on Prednisolone for about 8 months and gained freaking 8kg (from 53kg to 61kg). Did calorie count and managed to get weight down to about 56kg during wedding and lost some more to 53kg. But then put on 2kg so back to calorie counting to lose to 51kg. My actual ideal weight. So far so good i am down to 54kg in 1 month and i want to reach my target by end of March.


And...i cut my hair to a short bob (^_^)   

There is actually so many things to update but i have already forgotten about it now heheh (",)



Well, many blogs to come so to be continued...